Charlie's Problem Page


Charlie's Problem page

I am Charlie. I am seven. I am starting this problem page because I am so good at solving other people's problems. I do it all the time at school. My friends would have problem-free lives if they would do what I say.

If I cannot solve your problem (very unlikely) I will do something nearly as good.

I will be SORRY FOR YOU!

I have noticed that when I have problems and people like my brother Max and my best friend Henry say things like 'CRIKEY, CHARLIE WHAT ARE YOU MOANING ABOUT NOW?!' it makes me feel even worse.

But when Suzy the cat looks sorry for me it helps.

I promise I will never say 'What are you moaning about now?!' to you.

Latest Problems (and other thoughts)

Dear Shanzay,

A lot depends on the size of your sister. If she is very big or very small you may have to just put up with the whacking.

Love Charlie.

Dear Gabbie,

How can you get better at sports day? That's what you want to know.

My brother Max says 'Train'. He doesn't mean catch one. He means stop eating crisps and go running.

This is hard work. I don't do it myself. I have given up trying to win on sports day. I concentrate on losing.

If you are last in a race, a long way last, staggering and mopping your eyes and breathing like there isn't enough oxygen in the sky, do you know what happens? Everyone stops bothering about the winner. They concentrate on you instead. They begin to stand up. They begin to clap. They cheer, 'You can do it Charlie! Go Charlie! Go!' When you fall across the finish line they grab their cameras and go wild. You end up a hero.

Winning isn't everything. Losing is often much better. Take my advice. Eat crisps and sit on the sofa and soon you will be famous.

Love Charlie

Sorry Sophie, can't help, my mum doesn't understand me either. She's always saying 'That boy's a mystery to me' and shaking her head. If yours does the same don't worry, it's normal. Charliex

Hello Alshalina junejo, and why would I not like having Max for a brother? He is the coolest, cleverest, wildest, sportiest in the world. He has forgiven me for taking his diary to school and showing it to the girls. He didn't make me write this. i was not tortured in any way.

OW!!!! GET OFF!!!!


Dear Lexa who wants to know how to make boys like her.

That is a hard problem because you have not told me which boys. Boys are not like girls, who all seem pretty much the same to me. Boys are all different, like sheep. (There was a programme  about sheep being all different and it was really amazing. The sheep were watching films of their friends on telly and getting all excited at the ones they liked best.)

But anyway.

I shouldn't mind being a sheep farmer.

For wool.

Not lamb chops.

I could have a quad bike to round them up. That'd be good.

Boys. To like Lexa.

If it was Henry, my friend Henry, and you wanted him to like you, all you would need to do would be to give him stuff to eat when he was hungry, which is nearly all the time. If you carried round Big Macs and fries Henry would like you very much. You could try that. Or if it was my brother Max you wanted to like you, you'd have to get really good at football, and also never borrow his stuff. Never. Or else. And if it was me you wanted to like you you would get all my jokes without me having to explain them a million times and you wouldn't argue about my good ideas.

So that's the answer. Big Macs, fries, good at football, no borrowing, laugh at jokes and say I'm always right. Hope that helps, Charlie



Isadora, you are not the most unpopular person so your question does not make sense, Cx

Fatemah who slaps her sisters! Is it really going to make them nicer? Crikey!

Cat, of course you can drink the banana milk shake that has been sitting open in your locker for two weeks. What's the worst it can do to you? (Apart from food poisoning?). And it isn't greedy. No one else in their right mind would want it.

Let me know how often and where you are sick!

Yours, interestedly, Charlie

Hi Helen, I can't make my parents do everything I want so I don't know any useful ways to help you with yours. The recipe for a perfect sleepover is easy. It is in Charlie and the Cat Flap. Just do everything that me and Henry did! Love Charlie

Nia, everything that happened in the books, happened in the books. Things that didn't happen in the books didn't happen. I hope you understand, love C

OY Cameron! What do you mean, am I true? Do I look like a ghost? What a cheek!

Georgie, yes, teachers do stop shouting. In the end they just give up. Keep getting 1 out of 10 and yours will give up too. Yours, Charlie

Hello Indeevar, I have an irritating friend too: Henry. I think he is probably the most irritating friend in the world, so yours is only the second most.

What I do at weekends is mostly: get bothered by Henry, escape in the supermarket and do spying on suspicious people. (I do it with a notebook and my telescope which frightens them a lot.) Make Max my brother lend me stuff. Go sinking in the swimming pool. Wash the car for a pound. Spend it on sweets. Eat them. Design tee shirts for my rockband but I still haven't thought of a good enough name. Try and get out of healthy walks, looking at views, eating vegetables especially green ones, tidying my bedroom and kissing my hairy old relations.

Dear Lilly, I don't know what you can do to get a brother or a better sister unless you know anyone who would do a swop with you. Here is a list from my friends of things you can do to stop your life being boring.

Henry: Do you have a shed roof? Climb on it.

Max: Get out of the house. Houses are boring.

Lulu: Animals, as many as possible.

Mellie's boredom busters: really sharp scissors, those felt pens that don't wash off, books.

Me: pack a survival kit in case alien invaders come suddenly in the night. Make sure you can lift it when it's packed. I can't mine but I need everything in it. You're not the only one with problems, love Charlie